If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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