he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So many bounce houses so little time
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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