I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
