It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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