Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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