so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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