Welp...herpes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
