I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
