He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you made out with another girl for some wings
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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