she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
