I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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