I'm eating all of the evidence.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Randomize
