I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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