plz talk dirty to me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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