why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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