i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
