So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
