she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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