Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
