There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
