you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
