A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
