I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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