Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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