who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
