Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
