i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
