the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
