I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
