He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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