I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
