I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So much Jack, so little girl.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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