I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
