don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
