It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
