My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
