I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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