Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
