At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
