Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
