i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
