You smell like stripper and shame
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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