I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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