I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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