Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
