Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
