I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
