I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
