it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Panties = found
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
