listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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