i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think your dad took our porno
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
