my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
