She announced her abortion via fbk
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
