people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
