Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.