Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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