you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
