I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize