i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
