im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
